|
How to BullyProof Yourself
Against Verbal Manipulation
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Question or Comment?
If I were to say to you: "I'm wondering why you're reading
this page" would you respond? If so, you just took the bait.
Have another look: "I'm wondering why you're reading this
page." It's not a question!! It's a statement!! Don't answer
statements.
Here's another: Your abuser is in the kitchen and says:"I
can't find the sugar." Did you jump up to get it for him?
If so, then his manipulatiion worked. He didn't even have to
ask. He has you targeted as a 'people pleaser' the perfect target.
Abusers hate asking questions because it means they may loose
control. So they use the 'disguised question'. Watch for them.
They often have a "rING" to them (I'm wondering, hoping,
thinking) or "Perhaps you'd ..." "I wish you'd..."
"I thought you might want to ..." "I could use
a little cash..."
Strategy - Answer questions only, don't answer statements --
Train your ears to recognize them. If you help without being
asked and answering their statements you have sent out a huge
red flag that you are gullible and can be targeted. Learn these
tricks yourself. Ask only yes/no question. Repeat their last
3 or 4 words back to them, in a questioning manner. Use the power
of silence and ignore them.
The Opening Pitch - Their Secret Weapon
Sharks Disguised as Dolphins
The haughty entrance, the strut, the vivacious outgoing person
with a raucous laughter that instantly charms the crowd. Primes
his target with "What do you think of..." "You
seem good at this, I'm wondering if you know..." "Maybe
you could tell me..." "I wanted to ask you..."
"Would you like..." "I can't decide, which one
do you like?" "I'd like your opinion..." Appear
friendly, interested, deferential, non-threatening, submissive,
early in the game. They freely dispense their assistance, talents
and labour, money, gifts, or other offerings. Beware!! One of
the oldest tricks of the wolf in sheep's clothing. By observing
your reactions and spotting your resistance, your likes and dislikes
and weak spots in your boundaries, they move in to quickly to
create a kinship 'soulmate' connection.
Strategy: Be suspicious of flattery. Be watchful for this type
of verbal trickery used by the prowling predator. Just knowing
this behaviour, you can detect an abuser in the early stages.
Develop a healthy suspicion of people's motives.
The Royal "WE"
"WE need..."
WHOA, HOLD THE PHONE .... "WE"??? - that's the oldest
trick in the book -- that ''WE' they throw out means YOU are
being targeted. If all goes well, he takes the credit and, if
not you'll be playing receiver in his blame game. Examples "If
we could..." "We were hoping..." "I was hoping
we could get the money for ...." "We should..."
Strategy - Make a fast exit when you hear the 'WE' word. Watch
our for "us" and "our" as well. Do you feel
fingers inching towards your wallet??
F O G = Fear, Obligation and Guilt
Dr. Susan Forward does a fantastic job of describing FOG in her
important book Emotional Blackmail. Be on the watch for it!!
Examples: "Don't you care if...." "Are you trying
to hurt me?" "If you loved me..." " Don't
you think you (we) should..." "Wouldn't it be better
if..." "You don't expect me to..." "Can't
you take a joke?" "You could never do..." "I
thought that's what you wanted" "Do we all agree..."
"It's reasonable to expect..." "We've already...."
"I need you to..." "You don't think I meant...do
you?" "We were counting on you to..." "Aren't
you going to..."
Strategy - Know your vulnerabilities to 'FOG'. Don't take their
bait. Expect them to howl - let them. Try mirroring them - let
them get a good look at themselves as others see them. Mirror
back to them their words, actions and behaviours.
Shifting the Balance of Power
"Why do you always..." "Wouldn't it be better
if we..." "I can't believe you would..." "I
thought we were going to..." "You need to..."
"Did you forget?" "How could you..." "Why
don't you..." "That's very nice, but I think next time
you should..." "Did you hear me?" "Don't
you think you (we) should..." "I thought we agreed..."
are examples of an abuser's move to a dominant controller's role.
It's a verbal attack move. You're being maneuvered into a servant's
role to meet his expectations. You start to walk on eggshells.
Strategy - Watch out for his little 'helpful suggestions'. Be
aware of words that make you feel you want to defend yourself.
The 'silent treatment' is another form of abuse. He waits,
fishing for whatever will benefit him. Simply say "Let me
know when you feel like talking". Say nothing else. Act
like 'no big deal' and put a smile on your face. If you can't
handle this get to a therapist right away.
Strategy - Know this is a typical childish 'bait and wait' of
the mentally disordered.
Presuppositions (assumed compliance - and
other tricks of the conman 'snake-oil' salesman "Do you
want the red one or the blue one? (Offer a choice tactic.)
"I was sure you'd want to" "You'll be pleased
that I bought us that Harley Davidson" Aren't you happy
that...", "I know you'll like..." I know you'll
want to..." "Everybody knows that..." "I
thought you and I were a team. " I'm sure it's occurred
to you..."
Research Keywords: Presupposition, Verbal Manipulation, Neurolinguistics,
Sales Pitches
Presuppositions
http://www.angelfire.com/nd/danscorpio/presup.html
Strategy - Learn to spot this. Use these tactics yourself to
stop it's effectiveness.
The Raging Bull
Now he verbally 'acts out'. Let it die down like a nasty summer
storm. Leave the room, or tell him to leave.
Strategy - Ignore his words. "I'm sorry you feel that way."
often catches them off guard. Raging is part of their disorder.
He needs and will work hard to get a reaction from you. Don't
take his bait. This is the equivalent of an adult 'tantrum'.
Suggested response: "We'll talk later when you've calmed
down." A potentially dangerous time. Leave. This presents
a perfect opportunity for you to record his behaviour or get
witnesses, so anticipate, prepare, and take advantage of this.
Liar Liar
Asking a question of a pathological liar is inviting lies. Fearing
loss of control, they ricochet around like mad to avoid answering,
or asking questions.
Strategy -. Only legal prosecutors ask liars questions to trap
them when the proof is available. If you're not a prosecutor,
don't waste your time.
Manipulation 101
Question = "What are you doing Friday night?" Answer
= "Not much, I haven't made any plans yet"
(you just got zinged - that's what he was hoping you'd say)
Now try...
Question = "What are you doing Friday night?" Answer
= "What did you have in mind?"
(you successfully blocked by questioning the question and punted
the ball back in his court). We learn these tactics after we've
taken the bait a few times.
The High-Pressure Conman - deliberately creates
a 'right now' "We need to.." "If we don't act
now we'll lose out" "I know a guy..." "I
don't have parking money." (as he heads for the door. Urgency,
immediate gratification, last-minute panic they bait us with!
Fast talking, gesticulating, panicky needs. Using "we"
and stating some 'snooze you lose' consequence is their game.
Strategy - Run a self-diagnostic on your naive meter. Giving
money to these guys is like asking a dog to guard your dinner.
Tell him you've got to check the details with your financial
advisor first. Back off completely when facing this type of pressure.
"I'm not interested." "No" are your response
tools. Refuse to be pressured. Never give in.
Third-Man Theme
"You know I'd be there in a flash to help you but my doctors
says my back might go out again." "I'd give you money
but my car is going to be repossed and I won't be able to work."
Strategy: Learn to spot the way s/he squeezes out of work, paying
bills or repaying loans by involving other - (doctors or banks
who reposses cars).
Take advantage of this yourself. "I'm sorry, I've love to
give you money but I need to think of my pension commitment so
I'm not a burden to you.
Re-Target Practice
Out of the blue, your abuser contacts you and immediately targets
your 'nice' side. He may say "I've been thinking about you
and wondering how you are. Why won't you talk to me?" (notice
the accusation!) He seems friendly and your upbringing dictates
you react with 'nice' responses.
Strategy: Give yourself permission to just hang up and totally
ignore with zero response.
Wearing Us Down. Hooray! You said No. But
does it stop? Manipulators are very good at finding new ways
to skin a cat. He has anticipated your answer and is ready with
more tactics.
Strategy Be prepared for him to come at you from different angles.
Block any attempts and don't even think of being nice to him.
The power of your NP is little more than the skillful use
of cheap word tricks of the salesman con artist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever wonder how successful people get that way?
Turn yourself into a winner by making decisions and
analyzing situations using this simple 3 step rule:
1. What's the problem?
2. Whose problem is it?
3. Whose money is it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We have used the male gender - your abuser could be female. |
